They should make villains less adorable/good-looking. Seriously.

It is totally not almost four in the morning and I am totally not still playing Zelda. Okay, now that we've gotten that blatant lie out of the way, I shall turn my attention to the pressing matter at hand: Villains, and why I don't feel like beating them up.


First and foremost, why do the dudes look like girls? Is it so I squeal and yell that he's totally my type OMGROLFWAFFLES? Cos I definitely will. Lord Ghirahim, resident Demon Lord of the newest installment of the Zelda franchise, is the most adorable little cross-dressing demon man I have ever seen. (Allow me my fangirl moment, damn you). With that very disturbing thought out there, let's get to the point. I honestly felt really bad about smashing his pretty little face repeatedly with my sword. Even being a woman, I felt like a savage woman beater... beating up a girly man.

I've made it my personal rule not to beat up men with makeup.

Except for him, he's fair game.

Now, don't get me wrong, female villains rock. But don't just give her magical powers while I've got massive Rambo muscles and a sword to cut her up good with. No, no no no no. She needs a kick-ass sword too. Maybe a cool bad-ass catch-phrase too. It's ingrained in all our heads not to go around beating women, so forgive for not wanting to go charging in with my sword while she shoots little sparkle dust at me, regardless of how powerful the spells actually are. At least give me the illusion she's fighting back by giving her a sword, or kick-ass club to hold.

Now THAT'S a woman after my own heart, right there.

Another thing I want to get out there is, stop giving them compelling backstories. Yes, I want to know more about them, where they've come from, why they're evil... but why do they always have to have such tragic pasts that make me feel sorry for them. The last thing I want when walking into a boss battle is to have sympathy or worse, even liking the villain I'm about the lay a smackdown on. (I'd like to refer to Loki right now, even though he's not a video game villain, just because the movie did just that, and it's the first thing I thought of.) The villain Count Bleck, from Super Paper Mario (oh god girliest game ever, but awesome still) is one of those. Of course, being the girly kid's game it is, he redeems himself in the end, so I guess this was a bad example.

After compelling backstories, the next problem is making the villains too likeable. If they're too funny, I won't want to kill them. If they're doing it for a lost love, I'll feel bad about it after vomiting at the cliché. If they're adorable, not going to want to hurt it.

 Look at that little loving-life grin. I feel bad every time. Sort of.

You want me to be itching to kick some villain ass? Make them annoying, but not so annoying as to stop me wanting to play the game.

Yeah, we all know we wanted to kill her instead of Ganondorf.

Or better yet, have the villain be as vindictive, sneering and condescending as possible. I think it's an instinct everyone's born with that they see a self-satisfied smirk on someone's face and they want to smack it off their face with their Master Sword. That's why Ganondorf was always such a good villain, he'd be condescending, making us go through round after round of light-ball ping-pong before considering you enough of a threat to let the fight get real. By that time, you're just itching to get your sword into him on even grounds to prove yourself. That's what you need in a villain. That self-confident, condescending asshole players can't wait to stick it to.

If all else fails, make all villains look like this.

Of course, you could go in another direction, with the emo, self-deprecating, why-won't-anyone-love-me-style villain. It gets to a point where they whine so much, you can't wait to just put them out of their misery.

You know who you are, pretty boy.

So what I think the world of video game villains needs, is a sort of mash-up. Someone who has a reason for being so evil, even if that reason is just being born that way, someone who's got story, but not so much that it takes over the game and makes me sympathize for the villain. Someone with flare, but not so much that players become attached. Someone who looks down on other characters with loathsome disdain. And best of all, someone so completely insane you couldn't imagine letting them live to see another day out of fear of what they might do. Well what do you know, Kefka's good for something after all, scaring you into wanting him dead. (Greatest villain of all time!)

He'll murder me in my sleep if I don't give him picture space.

So, to recap, what we need to do is stop making me like the villains I'm about to murder. Make them someone I enjoy killing. Not someone I enjoy watching and interacting with. That's what the whole point of games is, you get to the end, and kill the bad guy. I want to like doing it. Not feel bad about doing it. I want to look forward to the boss battle, I want to be so amped up about sticking my sword/photon/laser gun into his/her chest that I run in like a fool. THAT'S what video games seem to have lost in a sea of artsy graphics and story. I just want that feeling back.

Here's some fuel for nightmares before you go.

Cheers!

The Legend of Zelda: Most Addictive Game Yet

Okay so maybe the game's called Skyward Sword and not Most Addictive Game Yet, but seriously. If there's one thing that'll wake a Nintendo fangirl from the dream that is Skyrim (that's another addictive one, seriously, what is it with game developers?) it's a brand new Zelda adventure where you actually get to entertain the fantasy that you actually have some sword fighting skill.

You'll probably never be this good.

 

They brought back your favourite swordsman and that gorgeous princess, and left out all the crappy characters from past games that no one like (Navi, anyone?). Of course they DID replace one annoying little fairy with a bigger annoying fairy, but I'd rather hear Fi's weird Kanye voicebox voice over Nav's irritating squeak any day. Not only is she less of an annoyance, she doesn't hover around your head distracting you from the tasks at hand as you try to stab her down with your sword. (Everyone tried to do that, right?)

 Looks like the character design team put a bit more effort in this time.

Not only is she significantly better-looking than Navi, she also offers better advice. Since she's not really a person of sorts and more just a technology inside the Goddess Sword, she offers logical advice and precise calculations, as opposed to the crappy vague riddles we got from our lame-o fairy. Of course, Fi has her downsides, a lot of the information she gives on enemies is limited to whether or not you've defeated one yet. I ran into that slight problem when trying to defeat my first skulltula. But that aside, I'd rather a little companion that stays hidden most of the time than an annoying little floating fairy or having Midna skulking around in my shadow. (I really have nothing against Midna really, I just... I'd rather not have any companion really.)

This game is really very different from others before it, mostly in the way that it's all based on your Wii remote and how you move it. People I've spoken to are a little leery of fighting enemies and boss battles by swinging the swords themselves, but if you take the time to do the training exercises, it's really quite simple to get the hang of it.

In this game, practice makes perfect.

The favourite old tools are back: bombs, the slingshot, the bow and the hookshot in form of the clawshot. The ocarina is conspicuously absent, having been replaced by a Goddess' Harp. I haven't gotten the harp yet, so I can't say if it's anything like the ocarina. You can also obtain a whip, once again, not something I've done yet, having spent most of my time grinding for rupees. There are also mitts for digging to be found and a gust bellows with which you can blow dirt and small enemies around. The new addition that really has me excited is the Beetle. It's a small flying drone that cuts through ropes, and if you upgrade it enough, you can eventually have it carry bombs.

The one tool I've been using the most so far is the Bug Net. In this game, you can catch bugs to upgrade your potions. It's a bit difficult to get a handle on at first if you have shaky hands like I do, but eventually you get into the stride of following the bugs and swinging the net to catch it. You can also gather treasures to upgrade your equipment, a feature in this game that I really like.

Shields in this game have health bars. (Well all of them except for one, the Hylian Shield, one we're quite accustomed to seeing by now.) If you deplete the health bars completely, the shields break, so it's important to get the longest health bar possible for your shield. You do this by upgrading your shield at the scrap shop in Skyloft. Needless to say, the treasures you collect in this game come to be rather important you.

This is a game for people who don't mind grinding for items and rupees. You can get through the game just grabbing the treasures you get while doing yours quest, but you probably won't be able to upgrade all of Link's equipment that way. Therefore, you'll probably be spending some time catching bugs and picking up different relics and other treasures from around the world.

So far, I'm really loving the storyline. You're a boy from the knight academy in a floating town called Skyloft. You're BFFs with Zelda, and she's totally into you, if you know what I mean. I don't want to give any of the story away, so I won't say more, but it really is a lot of fun.

Did I mention the interesting riding that goes on in this game? No, you don't have Epona, which is sad, but it's still actually kind of cool. You have a giant red bird, a Loftwing, of your very own to fly around on. The coolest thing about it? You get to jump off into the air and whistle for your bird. I know I scared the crap out of a friend who came over to see the game when he first saw me dive off a ledge.

I didn't know Link had taken up skydiving.

Flying is one of the more awkward things in the game to catch onto, since it's actually quite sensitive to how you're holding the remote. But, you get a nice tutorial from Zelda, so it shouldn't be too difficult for anyone to pick up. I got it rather quickly and I'm not always so great with stuff like that.

All in all, I'm really loving this game so far. I haven't gotten too far into it yet, despite a 60 hour playing time (spent more time cutting grass than anything). When I get further in, I'll be able to comment further on it, but I doubt I'll do nothing but love it more. Until then!

Cheers!